In a twist that has left the football world both baffled and oddly impressed, Cristiano Ronaldo has announced his intention to marry his one true love—himself. The five-time Ballon d’Or winner, known for his chiseled physique and unwavering self-confidence, revealed the plans during a press conference that doubled as a mirror-gazing session, declaring, “I’ve loved me for years, and it’s time to make it official.”
The Al-Nassr superstar, who has been linked to countless supermodels and a revolving door of high-profile romances, stunned fans by admitting that his true soulmate has always been staring back at him in the gym mirror. “I wake up every day and see perfection,” Ronaldo said, flexing for the cameras. “Who else could handle my greatness? Georgina [Rodriguez] is lovely, but I’m the real MVP of my heart.”
The ceremony, set for a lavish event at his private mansion in Madeira, will feature Ronaldo walking down the aisle—alone—while a choir of his own pre-recorded “Siuuu!” chants echoes through the venue. Sources close to the player reveal he’s designed a custom tuxedo with a built-in mirror panel on the chest, ensuring he can admire himself throughout the vows. “He’s writing his own vows, and they’re all about his abs and goal-scoring record,” revealed an insider, shaking his head. “It’s going to be a self-love fest.”
“Everyone else is too slow, too short, or doesn’t train as hard as me,” Ronaldo explained to a friend, while adjusting his hair. “I’m the complete package—speed, strength, and those famous free kicks. Why settle for less?” Fans on X have dubbed it “the ultimate power move,” with one posting, “Ronaldo’s finally found someone who can keep up with his ego—himself!”
The wedding guest list is predictably exclusive, featuring only Ronaldo’s reflection in various outfits, projected onto giant screens. He’s even hired a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself as the best man, complete with a speech praising his own “unmatched dedication.” The cake? A masterpiece shaped like his iconic CR7 logo, with a topper of Ronaldo lifting a trophy—solo. And like the man himself when he loses a match, it will feature plenty of tiers.
Critics have called it a new low for the 40-year-old icon, but Ronaldo remains undeterred. “This is the ultimate commitment,” he declared, striking a pose. “I’ll be my own husband, my own coach, and my own biggest fan. Siuuu!”
As the world watches this unprecedented union unfold, bookmakers are already taking bets on whether Ronaldo will propose to himself again next year. One thing’s for sure: this marriage is set to be the most self-absorbed event of the decade.
