In a groundbreaking new directive, Premier League officials have confirmed that referees will now keep matches running “until Liverpool have finally bagged a winner, ideally via penalty.”
According to PGMOL insiders, the new approach is designed to “streamline the inevitable” after a string of suspiciously late goals this season. One anonymous referee reportedly said:
“Look, we were already adding 9, 10, 12 minutes of stoppage time until they scored anyway. This just saves everyone’s watch batteries.”
Liverpool’s season has already become a parody of itself, with every win seemingly arriving after the referee’s Fitbit has begged him to stop. On opening day against Bournemouth, Federico Chiesa left it late with an 88th-minute strike; at Newcastle, 17-year-old Rio Ngumoha popped up in the 100th minute to seal a 3–2 comeback; against Arsenal at Anfield, Dominik Szoboszlai bent in an 83rd-minute free-kick; and at Burnley, Mohamed Salah, patron saint of injury-time spot-kicks, inevitably converted a stoppage-time penalty. Four games, four winners scored after the 80th minute or later — a perfect storm for rival fans who are now convinced referees have secretly signed for Liverpool.
Not everyone is enjoying the extended festivities. Everton, beaten by Liverpool with just three minutes of stoppage time to chase an equaliser, are reportedly “furious.” A club insider fumed:
“Funny, isn’t it? When Everton need a late goal, it’s three minutes max. When Liverpool need one, the ref’s clock might as well be powered by Duracell.”
According to another well-placed whisper, the alleged directive is very clear:
“The extra-extra time rule only applies if Liverpool need a goal. If their opponents are chasing, normal service resumes.”
When asked to comment ahead of his 98th-minute winner at Crystal Palace next Saturday, new signing Alexander Isak denied the allegations.
