Simon Hargreaves, 34, a self-proclaimed football oracle and all-round know-all prick has somehow found himself bottom of all his Fantasy Football mini-leagues after the first four gameweeks.
The big-headed knob jockey, who’s been dishing out Premier League advice all summer like he’s Sir Alex reincarnated, has seen his “unbeatable” squad – captained by Altay Bayindir and propped up by players like Evan Ferguson who Marcus Rashford – who don’t even play in the league – scrape a pitiful 10 points.
Hargreaves’s mates have pointed out his team are even worse than the “upgraded” FPL app, while he’s been scrambling for excuses – blaming VAR, a rogue laptop and incorrect team news from his “insider sources.”
The arrogant tosser triple-captained Cole Palmer in Game Week 2, before the Chelsea maestro injured himself in the warmup. He has also benched Hugo Ekitike, dubbing him a “French Darwin Nunez”, mistakenly picked Antony instead of Burnley’s Anthony, and insisted to all and sundry that the was the season Mo Salah would be “found out.”
Hargreaves’ ‘Robben & Botman’ side currently languishes bottom of several mini-leagues including FLP All-stars, Saka Spuds and Hreiðarsson the Storm. When approached by Midfield Generals for a comment, Hargreaves refused – citing that he was too busy scouting Manchester City’s Abdukodir Khusanov in Uzbekistan’s Nations Cup win against Iran. When we pointed out that the defender did not play in that game, he let out a sigh and told us to “f£$k off.”
There are fears among Hargreaves’ family and friend that he may end the season performing a series of embarrassing FPL forfeits for finishing rock bottom of his mini-leagues. Last place punishments possibly awaiting him include togging out as mascot at a non-league game à la Peter Crouch, performing a toe-curling Tik Tok dance or watching a full Manchester United match.
